“Don’t you have a life?!”

March 17, 2008
Filed under: Articles.

Inspired by this previous article I wrote quite a while ago. To continue with the theme of Common Retorts Retards Like To Use On The Internets, I decided to talk about this next retort, which is probably the most commonly used in e-debates. I think I’ve heard it more than anyone since I run the Internet Police along with Becky and people like to whine like it’s their job.

For those of you still with me, I’d just like to say that if you’ve ever used this e-retort in an e-debate, you acted like a fucking moron. If you currently use this retort, and think it’s a-okay, please hit Alt + F4. Thank you.

Usually when both sides have shared their “opinions” on whatever subject is being discussed (popular subjects include internet trends, copyright laws, a nasty review, etc.), the insults start flying because, to be honest, after a while everything that can be said has been said. So personal attacks start pouring in, someone will talk about your momma, an embarassing picture of you will show up to haunt you, and in the midst of all of this someone will say: “You are so mean! Don’t you have something better to do with your time than pick on people?! Don’t you have a life?!”

Usually this is accompanied by “Grow up!”, a good-bye thread on a message board, or a LOLCAT image. It varies on the medium (either blog entry, message board, or review site). Let me do a Britney and break it down for you. I don’t know about any of you bloggers out there, but this is the amount of time it takes me to “manage” my website and/or browse the internet:

Now, I understand my site is very simple and consists mostly of a blog and outdated content. I know there are some websites that require a bit more effort to manage (daily photoblogs, graphic making, hosting businesses, review websites, etc). I can see how they can spend maybe 2-4 hours updating their websites for their visitors. However roughly 90% of those participating in an e-debate don’t own popular websites, and don’t do as many things on the internet as I do. How do I know? Because when you look at threads on popular message boards that ask “What do you do online?” it mostly consists of four things: MBs, Myspace, Youtube, and e-mail.

The estimates in the above paragraph are just that: estimates. I tried to be generous, but I could be wrong, so feel free to let me know how off I am.

Let’s say a normal day is one from 8am-10pm, which equals to 14 hours. So if it took me about 2 hours to make a layout and/or blog, and 3 more hours to browse the internet, then that means I’d have 9 hours left to do whatever the hell I wanted. In that time I could either work a full-time shift, or I could: go shopping, take a shower, watch a movie, go to the potty, talk to friends, cook a meal, tie my shoe, watch television, run errands, watch my husband make jewelry, or maybe go skinny dipping. And I’d still have ample time to silently rot.

If you’re not picking up what I’m putting down, I’ll just come right out and say it: Unless browsing the internet takes up a total of 14 hours of your day, there is plenty of time to “have a life.” If you spend at least 14 hours online, you need a new hobby. In fact, I’d appreciate it if you could send me an e-mail telling me just what the fuck you’re doing online that takes so much of your time.

The point I’m trying to make is that it’s ridiculous for one to assume that others who have opinions on the internet (be it harsh or respectful) spend their entire waking hours on the internet. Most of us have responsibilities, school or work, family duties, hobbies, etc. And even those that don’t (like me for example), it just doesn’t take that much of my time to type up some sentences on a message board, especially when I have so many hours left over in my day.

To me, it’s all about common sense. Interrupting a discussion or debate just to insert this senseless retort immediately renders the other points invalid. I don’t even read past “Get a life” anymore. If someone can’t understand the simple fact that people have lives outside of the internet, then I have nothing more to discuss with them.

Those are my random incoherent thoughts on the subject. What are yours?

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How To Dump Your Friends

December 22, 2007
Filed under: Articles.

Have you ever met someone who turned out to be completely awesome? And you thought to yourself, “Hot damn, finally someone who isn’t annoying as fuck! Thank you god?” This is usually how it plays out: you start hanging out with this person, feeling ecstatic that at last you’ve found someone that doesn’t force you to stab yourself repeatedly with sharp things just so the time goes by faster. But suddenly this person either says something that throws you off or you start to realize certain things about them that at first, in the midst of your joy, you kindly ignored. Frustrated, you find yourself not wanting to be with this person at all and you end up trying to avoid them at all costs. However, all of your efforts are futile. This person shows up everywhere you go, is friends with your friends, knows your secret hiding places, etc. And the worst part is that they’re totally oblivious to what’s happening. They just don’t get the fact that somehow or another, things just aren’t the same.

If you’re going through this right now, or you’ve been through this before with a friend and didn’t know what to do (with them or with yourself), I’m here to tell you all about my three step program: How To Dump Your Friend. This program is fool proof. And I know, because I’ve used it about five times (I’m serious). See, I used to be the type of person that would meet someone who seemed to be the answer to all of my Friendship prayers, I would “exhaust” the person, and I would basically end up going through what I described in the beginning of this entry. That is, until I finally put my foot down and decided that enough was enough - I had to get rid of these people, or they would literally drive me to insanity.

Without further ado, below is the three step program that works each time, every time.

Step One: Don’t Answer Your Phone (Or Put It On Silent)

This one was the hardest for me because I always seem to have ridiculous ring tones, so it was hard for me to ignore “I Have Big Butts And I Cannot Lie” blaring in my pocket at first. I learned quickly, however, and I would put my phone on silent or just leave it at home. I know not everyone can do this, so I just suggest you put it on vibrate or block their number altogether. The first couple of missed calls will confuse them, so you have to keep at it until they get the message that talking to them is the last thing you want to do. When they ask why you didn’t answer their call, say either: “I was too busy, sorry,” “Someone stole it,” “I’m grounded,” or “lol I blocked your number.” Sometimes getting straight to the point is the only way to go about it, folks.

Step Two: Push Their Buttons—For real

I’m guessing your friendship has lasted a few months and that’s long enough for both of you to learn how to push each other over the edge. You know what makes them tick, what buttons to push, and vice versa. So whenever you get the chance, say something to throw them off their rocker. “Your Mom is a fucking dumbass,” “Just shut the fuck up already,” “Please go kill yourself. Seriously,” or “WILL YOU GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY LIFE,” are a few of my favorites. Get creative—this is your time to let them know just how much you hate them. The first couple of times (depending on their personality) they might laugh it off, think you’re joking, whatever—stick to it until they get the fucking message. Sometimes props can re-inforce your point, too (there are some really dull people out there). Blades, guns, textbooks, acid, all of these are great tools that you can use to bring the point home.

Step Three: Stand Them Up (Ditch them)

Time to bust out the big guns. Sometimes, when I was really desperate, I’d make up some plans just to ditch my friend(s) later. If you’re invited to the same party, fake that you’re sick, or attend a party that they’d never get invited to (preferably with an enemy of theirs in attendance). This step will really confuse/anger them. Most likely they’ll call you up wanting to know just what the hell is going on, and thank the heavens because that’s your chance to tell them just how much they need to die.

If the three step program doesn’t work for you, then your case is just too extreme, but you do have a few options: either move across the state, date their boyfriend/girlfriend/ex-boyfriend/ex-girlfriend, or fake your own death. Just don’t give up. The freedom is worth it, trust me.

Good luck!

(Cliches used in this entry: Too many.)

P.S. The IP Web Awards are up, check ‘em out for lulz.

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