How To Dump Your Friends

Have you ever met someone who turned out to be completely awesome? And you thought to yourself, “Hot damn, finally someone who isn’t annoying as fuck! Thank you god?” This is usually how it plays out: you start hanging out with this person, feeling ecstatic that at last you’ve found someone that doesn’t force you to stab yourself repeatedly with sharp things just so the time goes by faster. But suddenly this person either says something that throws you off or you start to realize certain things about them that at first, in the midst of your joy, you kindly ignored. Frustrated, you find yourself not wanting to be with this person at all and you end up trying to avoid them at all costs. However, all of your efforts are futile. This person shows up everywhere you go, is friends with your friends, knows your secret hiding places, etc. And the worst part is that they’re totally oblivious to what’s happening. They just don’t get the fact that somehow or another, things just aren’t the same.

If you’re going through this right now, or you’ve been through this before with a friend and didn’t know what to do (with them or with yourself), I’m here to tell you all about my three step program: How To Dump Your Friend. This program is fool proof. And I know, because I’ve used it about five times (I’m serious). See, I used to be the type of person that would meet someone who seemed to be the answer to all of my Friendship prayers, I would “exhaust” the person, and I would basically end up going through what I described in the beginning of this entry. That is, until I finally put my foot down and decided that enough was enough - I had to get rid of these people, or they would literally drive me to insanity.

Without further ado, below is the three step program that works each time, every time.

Step One: Don’t Answer Your Phone (Or Put It On Silent)

This one was the hardest for me because I always seem to have ridiculous ring tones, so it was hard for me to ignore “I Have Big Butts And I Cannot Lie” blaring in my pocket at first. I learned quickly, however, and I would put my phone on silent or just leave it at home. I know not everyone can do this, so I just suggest you put it on vibrate or block their number altogether. The first couple of missed calls will confuse them, so you have to keep at it until they get the message that talking to them is the last thing you want to do. When they ask why you didn’t answer their call, say either: “I was too busy, sorry,” “Someone stole it,” “I’m grounded,” or “lol I blocked your number.” Sometimes getting straight to the point is the only way to go about it, folks.

Step Two: Push Their Buttons—For real

I’m guessing your friendship has lasted a few months and that’s long enough for both of you to learn how to push each other over the edge. You know what makes them tick, what buttons to push, and vice versa. So whenever you get the chance, say something to throw them off their rocker. “Your Mom is a fucking dumbass,” “Just shut the fuck up already,” or “Please go kill yourself. Seriously” are a few of my favorites. Get creative—this is your time to let them know just how much you hate them. The first couple of times (depending on their personality) they might laugh it off, think you’re joking, whatever—stick to it until they get the fucking message. Sometimes props can re-inforce your point, too (there are some really dull people out there). Blades, guns, textbooks, acid, all of these are great tools that you can use to bring the point home.

Step Three: Stand Them Up (Ditch them)

Time to bust out the big guns. Sometimes, when I was really desperate, I’d make up some plans just to ditch my friend(s) later. If you’re invited to the same party, fake that you’re sick, or attend a party that they’d never get invited to (preferably with an enemy of theirs in attendance). This step will really confuse/anger them. Most likely they’ll call you up wanting to know just what the hell is going on, and thank the heavens because that’s your chance to tell them just how much they need to die.

If the three step program doesn’t work for you, then your case is just too extreme, but you do have a few options: either move across the state, date their boyfriend/girlfriend/ex-boyfriend/ex-girlfriend, or fake your own death. Just don’t give up. The freedom is worth it, trust me.

Good luck!

(Cliches used in this entry: Too many.)

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