Resident Evil Done My Way
January 19, 2008 · Filed under: Thoughts.
Earlier today I watched Resident Evil: Extinction, the last movie from the trilogy. A little summary for those of you who’ve never heard of this badass series:
A special military unit fights a powerful, out-of-control supercomputer and hundreds of scientists who have mutated into flesh-eating creatures after a laboratory accident. After an outbreak in a top-secret facility, Umbrella ponders on covering up their mistakes by releasing the deadly Nemesis to eliminate surviving STARS members in Raccoon City. Survivors of the Raccoon City catastrophe travel across the Nevada desert, hoping to make it to Alaska.
Now I have to admit that the term “Raccoon City” gave me a serious case of the lulz, but I got over it once the action started, and it starts pretty quickly in this movie. The third (and last, I believe) movie deals with the last sentence up there. The zombies, or the “undead,” have been frolicking around Earth, killing everything in their path, and spreading the virus worldwide. Survivors from the outbreak are on the run, because if anyone stops to god forbid, take a leak, the undead show up to break up the little party.
There were a few moments where my sister and I went “WTF?!” but it was really good, if you like that sort of thing. Anyway, while watching the movie I got to thinking… What would I do if I were stuck in that entire scenario? What if I was traveling along with the rest of the survivors to Alaska, the only place that apparently is “not infected”? How would I prepare? Would I ask this many rhetorical questions?
So I thought about it, and came up with a few ideas.
If there ever was a zombie outbreak, I would notice pretty quickly. Unlike the rest of my family, or hell, the entire city I live in, I read and/or watch the news. This would give me a head start and I’d have more time to prepare and plan my escape. First thing I would do? Call up everyone I didn’t like and/or was a waste of life, and ask them to gather in one specific area. I would lure these people with promises of candy or a country-styled buffet and wait for them to arrive. Once they were all grouped up, I would give the zombies a little hook up, distracting them long enough for my brown ass to make an escape.
Once I got my head start, I would quickly find a very old Volvo to hot wire. For two reasons. One, my current Toyota Corolla is a piece of shit (no offense to those of you who drive Corollas, really) and wouldn’t last long against vicious animals who won’t die. Two, old Volvos are made of metal, so if I were ever to run into a flesh eating beast, I’d be able to run them over and crash into a building without hurting myself too much. I still don’t know where I’d learn how to hot wire a car, but this is all hypothetical anyway.
Then I would arm myself with some kickass weaponry. I know a friend who’d lend me some really tubular offensive weapons, a sai and some flesh-slicing letter openers, so in that area I’m covered. I’d hit up my grandfather back in my hometown and borrow a machete. Getting a gun wouldn’t be a problem; I live in the ghetto after all. And I’d probably borrow a taser from my neighbor who’s a local policeman. All of these ass saving weapons would be stored in my handy rolling luggage, because fuck carrying all of that shit while trying to haul ass away from flesh eating monsters.
Food would not be a problem. I’d just talk to a few of my friends, Terrell, DJ Nasteh, Lil’ Tyrese, and Shyrone to hit up the local Wal-Mart. I’d stock up on some chicken noodle soup, sunflower seeds (a little goes a long way), a couple of snickers bars, and some orange juice. If I ever ran out, I’d hit up some local convenience stores once the zombies took over the world, since they don’t need food so I have nothing to compete with. Now that I think about it, a zombie outbreak wouldn’t be so bad. I mean, free food? Can I get a fuck yeah?
As far as clothing goes, I’d take after the main character and strap on a bullet proof vest, some itty bitty shorts, a tank top, and army boots. I’d make a little harness with duct tape to put in my totally ass kicking offensive weapons. I’d borrow my mother’s fanny pack to store the bullets, first aid kit, and germ gel, because you must always be prepared when zombies take over the world.
Given the preparations I’ve listed above, I’d probably last… about a week? Maybe two? But hey, it sure beats being you and getting eaten alive on my couch or worse, falling for a “country-styled buffet.”