Hating Your Life: The Diet
October 02, 2007 · Filed under: Thoughts.
So for the past month or so I’ve been noticing that my clothes don’t fit. More specifically, my work clothes, because it’s practically a uniform and I see myself wearing it a lot. I’m constantly pulling up my pants and swimming in my shirt. I thought it might be one of those times where my weight fluctuates and I lose some and gain some the next week, but I don’t seem to be piling on the weight back as usual.
So I have a theory. Hating my existence these past few months is the only reasonable explanation for this weight loss. And since I know there is a huge weight epidemic out there, and everyone is itching for the latest weightloss secret, I thought I’d share mine.
How Hating Your Life: The Diet Works
1. Wake up hating the alarm clock you just pounded into silence, the sunlight filtering through your windows, and your general self.
2. Eat only foods that take two minutes to process, as standing in the kitchen for more than 5 minutes creates feelings of withdrawal and panic from leaving the safety and security of your cave. (More commonly referred to as a bedroom.)
3. When at work, instead of cleaning out the fitting rooms and putting out freight that should have been put out two days ago, walk back and forth the length of the entire store just looking for an excuse to get away from customers.
4. If you don’t have a cockatiel, purchase one, since chasing your bird around your house while hating everything burns significant calories and grants your bird some much needed exercise.
5. Look at your depleting bank account every other hour. As you feel the wave of depression hit you square in the chest, try very hard not to cry. Resistance is key.
And there you have it, folks: the key to my success. Feel free to let me know if this works for you. I’m thinking a support group in the future? Let me know.