Dear Ovaries
April 15, 2008 · Filed under: Personal.
A quick word with both of you please? Right, it’s obvious you’re both enjoying the squeezing/death grip contest currently going on at the moment. You know, the one where you compete to see which one of you can inflict the most pain? Yeah. (For the record, Lefty is winning.)
It sounds like a lot of fun, don’t get me wrong. I would just appreciate at least one or two days of warning (notice?) before you decide to hold this riveting competition again. Maybe a letter, a memo, or even a flyer? That way I can plan accordingly, stock up on the appropriate comfort food, select the correct type of diaper I think would be best for the occasion, and purchase the kind of medicine that would make a heroin addict jealous.
It’s just common courtesy. I take care of you, you take care of me, and everyone wins.
Sincerely, and almost begging,
Me (your landlord)